life. and everything in between

 Turning 30 didn't feel like this big deal birthday to me. I didn't want any huge celebrations. I honestly was excited to turn the big 3-0.  I was told it is because how I feel and act is getting closer to my actual age. So as I get older going to bed at 830pm will match my age.  The last 10 years have been big growing seasons for me. I can truly say I am not the same person I was when I turned 20.  At 20 we had just moved to California. I was working in food and beverage. I was experiencing people in a whole new way. I was by far one of the youngest people in our department. We were working late nights and earlier mornings. I couldn't see passed tomorrow. Levi and I were still figuring out this marriage thing (cause you know we now have it figured out....kidding). We found a church and our framily in Truckee. We had a group of people surround us and guide us through the first 5 years of marriage. The first 5 years of our life post high school. By the time we moved t...

This summer has been busy yet not. We go through flows of stillness to running around like crazy. Which pretty much describes my personality.  I have been looking forward to camping trips as a family since we had Addison. Summer of 2017 did not go as planned. Neither did 2018. Or 2019 as Elias was not allowed to be around smoke. Plus is feeding tube made being out in the wilderness slightly impossible. So we finally did it. This summer we squeezed in a total of 4 camping trips with the kids. It was the best time of our life ....okay. Haha!  Nothing bad happened. But camping with toddlers is hard. Especially when one of them fears nothing and wants to play with fire. We had zero expectations. We expected our kids to have a hard time sleeping in a tent. We expected fits. We expected dirt everywhere. we expected accidents. All happened. Which is okay!  The kids actually did pretty well considering. The only thing that was hard about bed time was they were having too much fun...

 The last several months I have had this itch to get going. To continue my education or rejoin the work force. A feeling that I was getting left behind. That I am missing my one and only shot to be in the helping field. That if I didn't get going now I would never get a chance. All of these things have caused me anxiety. A pressure on my chest.  A pressure that I couldn't shake. That every time I applied for a job I was not doing what I was suppose to be doing during this time. I started to apply for jobs so I could feel in control of my life. Because I was  feeling controlled by outside forces. That everything was happening to me. But I wasn't getting to make my own choices.   This was all coming from my own fears. My own insecurities. That I am just a stay at home mom. I have nothing to show. Again, this is not a healthy mindset. This is not a growth mindset.  I had a job interview. I dreaded every moment of the interview. Not because I didn't want the jo...

Elias Cash Ponczoch Born on April 2nd 2019 @ 12:54pm via planned caesarean 9lbs 8oz 21.5 inches long We thought he was perfect. He was big like his sis. He was squishy. He was here. I had plenty of anxiety going into this birth. Addison's birth was less than ideal. I was terrified for me. For my health. Not my boy. The thought of him being born anything less than healthy never occurred to me. We already experienced that. We were told by a handful of doctors and nurses that this would be a perfect baby. You can imagine the shock when 2 hours later he was being care-flighted from Kootenai Hospital NICU to Sacred Heart's NICU. He was born breathless. Breathless. I have spent the last 11 months surviving. Trying to be happy because my boy is alive. and HEALTHY. But as time passes this gnawing in my soul won't let me forget what we went through. It creeps in at the most inopportune times. Such as buying groceries, watching a show, or driving passed the hospital he was...

Few things you need  to know about me. 1. I LOVE to clean. It truly is therapy to me. If I am not careful it can become obsessive. Especially if I am in a patricianly stressful time of life. Having a clean house makes me feel safe and secure. 2. I really appreciate time to myself. Being alone to read, work out, talk on the phone, pay bills, etc is like a vacation to me. 3. I love initial time with my friends and family. Because I tend to be more introvert the time I spend with my people is precious to me. Accomplishing any of the top three is nearly impossible since having kids. That has been such a small  HUGE learning curve. Learning to let go of the things that can wait. Learning that my house doesn't need to be clean all the time. Learning that the bills can be paid at nap time. Learning that planning ahead is the best way to hang out with my people. We are now in quarantine (at least thats what Levi and I keep calling it). It has been stressful for me because I ...

Have grace. I know many people have been saying this. I just wanted to send out some thoughts I have been having. I was out grocery shopping on Friday. I lost it. I have never seen anything like it before in my life. Levi and I often shop at Cash n Carry because we don't have a Costco membership. I have never seen more than 10 cars in the parking lot. On Friday it was packed. No parking. Anywhere. Same at Winco. Walmart. SuperOne. Like any normal almost 30 year old, I called my mom. I said "Mom people are losing their minds. They are crazy." Let's be real....I said more than that but it's truly not worth repeating. Now what my mom said is worth repeating. "Em, people aren't crazy. They are scared and confused. Just breath. It's going to be okay." First of all there are only like 3 (maybe 4) people who can tell me to just breath without me going ballistic on them. Second, what a wise woman. Seriously, thank mom. Well at the stores I ha...