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waiting

 The last several months I have had this itch to get going. To continue my education or rejoin the work force. A feeling that I was getting left behind. That I am missing my one and only shot to be in the helping field. That if I didn't get going now I would never get a chance. All of these things have caused me anxiety. A pressure on my chest. 

A pressure that I couldn't shake. That every time I applied for a job I was not doing what I was suppose to be doing during this time. I started to apply for jobs so I could feel in control of my life. Because I was  feeling controlled by outside forces. That everything was happening to me. But I wasn't getting to make my own choices.  

This was all coming from my own fears. My own insecurities. That I am just a stay at home mom. I have nothing to show. Again, this is not a healthy mindset. This is not a growth mindset. 

I had a job interview. I dreaded every moment of the interview. Not because I didn't want the job. Not because I felt unqualified. I dreaded it because I know it is not my time. 

I have been praying for guidance. For peace. For a clear understanding of what I am suppose to be doing right now. I got my answer over the last week. The answer was in my kids. My babies gave me my answer. 

I was on a run and was pushing them in the stroller. We were waiting to cross the street. Both kids were leaning forward and Addison placed her arm around Cash and just squeezed him. Then they looked at each other with their foreheads touching. A moment where they looked into each others eyes and had a sibling connection I can not explain. Pure love. 



Then today.  They were sitting on the couch. Elias was having a fussy moment. Addison laid down and said "come here Cash. Come nuggle (snuggle) me. And he did. It wasn't like I was somewhere else. I was sitting right next to them. But they wanted each other. I witnessed another moment of true love. A sister wanting to comfort her brother. I cried. Heck, I am still crying. 



You can check out the adorable video on my FB page


They are my reason. When I stay at home with them I get (not have to) to teach them how to love each other. To love other people. In all their moments. Not just the best. Teaching them to love is my job. The world needs more of that. 

So I am waiting. Waiting for my turn. It will come. Right now I am taking a turn with my kids. Taking my turn in being the biggest influence in their lives. Waiting for them to grow. Patiently and with joy and love. 


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