Today I told myself that I wouldn't cry or be weighed down by the thought of my brother. Today I lied to myself. He is always on my heart. Sometimes the thought of him is more present and other times it's just there, waiting to be acknowledge. I have been told to just think of the good times with him and that will make the pain more bearable. I respectfully (on somedays disrespectfully) disagree. The good times just remind me that there will be no more good times. That the good times are just a memory and you can't hug a memory. You can't tell a memory how much you love them. You can't tell a memory that they left a gapping hole in so many people's lives. You can't tell a memory that you hope they are proud of you. You can't tell a memory that you always looked up to them and they will always be your big brother. Somedays I think that this is a dream and I just need to wake up.
Rory, taught me how to ride my first bike. The bike that he, Luke and Seth all spent time on spray painting. He left me with the message that I don't need make-up to be beautiful. Rory gave me my first car, with the warning that he wasn't sure how long it would last me but I could have it. When I picked up that 1990 New Yorker, I found a picture of Betsy and I just sitting on his dash. I asked him why he kept that there. His response was "Because you guys are my little sisters and I love you." He came to my sporting events and performances at church. When I told him that I was getting married at 19 he said to me "I only have 1 question, do you love him?" I told him yes and he said "Okay, that's all I need to know." And he never said a single negative thing about it. I am still unsure if he agreed with my decision but he always treated Levi and myself with respect and treated Levi like a true brother. When he found out we were moving back up from California, he was job hunting for us. He was telling us about jobs he heard about or apartments he thought we'd like. He wanted to take care of us. He wanted us to succeed. He was always true to his character.
Rory left me with many things but the thing that he left me you can't buy in a store or learn in school. Rory left me with passionate justice and love. Rory sought justice in his life. He had this deep understanding of how things should be and through that came the love. I believe that his sense of justice was driven by his love for people and his family. He wanted to protect us. When something happened it made him angry because that is not how the world is suppose to be. Today is 9/11 and I remember after America caught up to what was going on Rory wanted to be in New York. He wanted to help those who had lost their loved ones. He wanted to do anything that would help. We were watching some TV special of some of the loved ones and it made me cry and I asked him why we were watching that he said "because it's important to understand people's pain." I don't know about you but I don't know very many people who say things like that. I want to be like Rory. I want to be a fighter for the people. I want to love people with a passion that makes me fight for them and justice in their lives.
I know that the sorrow will lessen, I don't need to be told that. But some days the grief is still too near to see that. And I am okay with that. When you love someone so deeply the pain of losing them does not heal over night. When you grow up in a big family you are a team. A unit. You function as a team. We all had our strengths and weaknesses but that didn't matter because we were strong and functioning together. Sometimes we were in the off season and didn't see each other but we are always there for each other when we needed to be. We don't need to see each other all the time to know we are close and to know that we have each others back. We have lost one of our own. The captain, the one who got the team started. We will always miss you. We will always love you. I hope you know how deeply you were loved.
Rory, taught me how to ride my first bike. The bike that he, Luke and Seth all spent time on spray painting. He left me with the message that I don't need make-up to be beautiful. Rory gave me my first car, with the warning that he wasn't sure how long it would last me but I could have it. When I picked up that 1990 New Yorker, I found a picture of Betsy and I just sitting on his dash. I asked him why he kept that there. His response was "Because you guys are my little sisters and I love you." He came to my sporting events and performances at church. When I told him that I was getting married at 19 he said to me "I only have 1 question, do you love him?" I told him yes and he said "Okay, that's all I need to know." And he never said a single negative thing about it. I am still unsure if he agreed with my decision but he always treated Levi and myself with respect and treated Levi like a true brother. When he found out we were moving back up from California, he was job hunting for us. He was telling us about jobs he heard about or apartments he thought we'd like. He wanted to take care of us. He wanted us to succeed. He was always true to his character.
Rory left me with many things but the thing that he left me you can't buy in a store or learn in school. Rory left me with passionate justice and love. Rory sought justice in his life. He had this deep understanding of how things should be and through that came the love. I believe that his sense of justice was driven by his love for people and his family. He wanted to protect us. When something happened it made him angry because that is not how the world is suppose to be. Today is 9/11 and I remember after America caught up to what was going on Rory wanted to be in New York. He wanted to help those who had lost their loved ones. He wanted to do anything that would help. We were watching some TV special of some of the loved ones and it made me cry and I asked him why we were watching that he said "because it's important to understand people's pain." I don't know about you but I don't know very many people who say things like that. I want to be like Rory. I want to be a fighter for the people. I want to love people with a passion that makes me fight for them and justice in their lives.
I know that the sorrow will lessen, I don't need to be told that. But some days the grief is still too near to see that. And I am okay with that. When you love someone so deeply the pain of losing them does not heal over night. When you grow up in a big family you are a team. A unit. You function as a team. We all had our strengths and weaknesses but that didn't matter because we were strong and functioning together. Sometimes we were in the off season and didn't see each other but we are always there for each other when we needed to be. We don't need to see each other all the time to know we are close and to know that we have each others back. We have lost one of our own. The captain, the one who got the team started. We will always miss you. We will always love you. I hope you know how deeply you were loved.
Thanks for posting. Each time I hear you talk about your pain, your family's pain I understand a little more. I love you.
ReplyDeleteWe are almost a year out from when our oldest brother was violently taken from us- a year of memories without him. So I read your post with great empathy and understanding. No, you can't hug a memory, all you can do is love on the people you still have. Thanks for sharing. I love you.
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you for writing. Love you sister.
ReplyDelete