It's been awhile since I have had the mental ability to write anything. I had started to write about the joys of being pregnant but 12 hours later I was headed to the hospital to have Addison. Since then life has been crazy and unpredictable...you know, everything that I love in life...NOT. This is a long story. If you feel like reading it you better grab a cup of coffee.
So here I am trying to write out the birth story of our sweet precious girl.
I had so many expectations on what Addison's birth was going to be like. I wanted to do most of my laboring at home. I wanted to then go to the hospital and give birth naturally with no medication. I wanted to see the look on Levi's face when he met Addison for the first time. I wanted to hold my baby the moment she arrived. I wanted friends and family to be able to come into the room and celebrate with us. I wanted to only be in the hospital for a day. But sometimes in life you don't get what you want. Sometimes you have to grief the loss of what seems like little expectations.
My water broke at 345am on Monday June 12th. We went into the hospital at 6ish because I still hadn't started labor. My contractions started around then. Things where moving slowly. I was not progressing as I should have been with my water being broke. By 3pm they were concerned because my water was broke for 12 hours with no improvement in dilation. After much thought and conversation with Levi, I decided to go on pitocin. I did not want this at all. Through my whole pregnancy I told Levi that I was one thing I DID NOT want to happen. My reasoning was that pitocin usually leads to an epidural and I just didn't want that. But for the safety of my baby and self I decided to go that route. I labored through the night with insane contractions. I can not even put into words how intense all of it was.
The nurses where shocked at the intensity of the contractions. I was at the highest level of pitocin they can legally give a woman without that woman having an epidural.
After 16 hours of laboring on that high dosage of pitocin I still was only at a 5. At this point my water had been broke for 28 hours and I was exhausted. The doctor came in and felt my belly and predicted a big baby. It is very rare that you meet someone who can walk into a room and calm that room. We found that in Dr. Andy. My regular doctor was unavailable which was hard for me at first. I wanted someone I knew to help delivery my baby. But Dr. Andy was just what we needed. He let me know my options and was in complete support of my decision to not want an epidural. But he did share his concern about my water being broke for so long and that I may be too exhausted when it came time to push. In all of that I never felt pressured to do anything I didn't want to do. Not once. Dr. Andy gave Levi and I such peace. I chose to have an epidural. At this point I was ready because I needed sleep and I just wanted my baby to be here.
I dilated to a 9 and the unexpected happened...the epidural wore off after only an hour and a half. Prior to that I had to be stuck twice because the first time only numbed my left side. I then had to labor on ungodly levels of pitocin for over an hour because when you get the epidural they are able to increase the pitocin levels. Also the anesthesiologist was helping other patients and couldn't get there right away. Since I was dilated so far they decided to give me something that was less then an epidural but still went in my back and should have lasted 2 hours (forgive me for not remembering what it was called). It lasted ten minutes. Yes that is right...10 FREAKING MINUTES! He came back in and gave me another epidural. Again this only last for an hour or so. But my spine was so full of fluid that I thought my should blades where going to explode. At the time said it was worse then the contractions...I am not sure that is true but I was not in my right mind. The anesthesiologist is retiring this year. He said he had never seen someone like me before. He was baffled. I do like going agains the current so I do take some pride in that ;)
At this point they turned down the pitocin and my contractions basically stopped. My body never went into natural labor. Everything else had happened naturally except the actual contractions. Bizarre to me.
I had prepared for the worse, mentally. I knew that there may be a chance for a c-section and I was okay with that...in my mind at least. But I had not prepared for what was to come next and my heart still breaks when I think of the next turn of events.
Dr. Andy came in and told me that they could not give me any of pain medications. He said that I could keep on laboring without it but he was afraid Addison was stuck. AND since I had stopped contracting he didn't for see me progressing enough to push. ALSO at this point my water had been broke for 39 hours and that was not good. Because I had so much fluid in my spine I would have to be under anesthesia when she was born. My heart was crushed. He left the room and Levi and I decided that was the best decision for the health of Addison. When Dr. Andy came back in he gave me such a great compliment. He told me that sacrificing what I wanted for my child was the very definition of a mom and I was a great mom. This man was so kind and understanding. Even though this is not what we wanted I felt at peace with the decision and with Dr. Andy.
As they were prepping me for surgery the nurses kept encouraging me and telling me it's okay to cry and that they knew it was hard decision. How blessed was I to receive such kindness from strangers. It was genuine. Not just part of their job. My parents came in. I don't care how old you are sometimes you still need your mom and papa to tell you that everything is going to be okay. They were there the whole time. Didn't leave the hospital once. Even though I tried to get them to go sleep at the apartment. They refused. That's love. I realized later that it was very traumatic for me to see them and it being a high stress and unknown situation and that being the last time I saw them for several weeks. Because When I woke up from surgery they weren't allowed in my room. It's almost like I didn't have closure through it. I didn't expect that.
The surgery itself didn't go as expected. They gave me a double dose of the anesthesia just because of how my body handled the epidural. Within three minutes of being under I started to wake up. They did God knows what to keep me out. Seriously...I have no idea what they did to make sure I didn't wake up. I don't like to be controlled or told what to do. Apparently no amount of medication can control my body...It's like my super power! Haha!
I came out from surgery with pneumonia, preeclampsia, and the inability to breathe when I fell asleep. I was not allowed to leave the recovery room until my blood pressure came down. I couldn't see my parents or Levi. But worst of all. The very worst thing, I couldn't see my baby. I woke up and immediately ask where my baby was. I was told it would take me awhile to realize where I was and what had happened. But not for me. I wanted my baby. They told me she was in NICU and I couldn't go see her.
Addison was in NICU because she has so stuck in the birth canal that she had bruising all up and down her body and fluid in her lungs. She was put on a feeding tube. She also had the same problem that I did where when she fell asleep she stopped breathing. She also had elevated bilirubin that weren't normal for regular jaundice that can be treated under a light. That has led us to the journey we are on now trying to figure out what is wrong with her liver but that's another blog post. It was 17 hours after her birth that I finally got to meet my Addison Grace. Out of everything that happened this was the worst. I needed my baby. She was in the hospital for 10 days. It was a very long 10 days.
Many people have commented on how strong Levi and I have been through this. How they don't know how we doing it. Especially with her liver issues and all the unknown we are still facing. But let me clarify something, our strength is not our own. Any strength we may show comes from Christ. Also, Levi and I know how to put on a face. We know how to down play our fear and anxiety. I am not saying this is healthy because it is not. When we don't tell people how freaking terrified we are then people don't know how to help or don't think we need help and we end up feeling like we are going through this alone. I know we aren't. But I was reminded by a friend of what Pastor Rod says "You have to feel to heal" writing this is helping me feel all the things that have happened over the course of 6 weeks and the things that continue to happen as Addison still has health problems. Guys, I am angry. I am angry that this has been one of the shittest years of my life. Since August 3rd life has not been fair. Yes, I know I sound like a three year old but it's just the way it is. I am scared of the future of my child. Sometimes that fear is overwhelming. I am just here being real with you all. It's okay to be real. I am learning that.
I am finding joy in my daughter and thankful for the gift God has given us. I could have never fathomed how much I could love such a little person. I am learning to live in this anger and love for God. I believe that God is okay with that. I am open to talk to anyone about this journey and what I am learning and growing in. Please don't be afraid to talk to me.
It's not the story that I wanted but it is our story and I do embrace it.
So here I am trying to write out the birth story of our sweet precious girl.
I had so many expectations on what Addison's birth was going to be like. I wanted to do most of my laboring at home. I wanted to then go to the hospital and give birth naturally with no medication. I wanted to see the look on Levi's face when he met Addison for the first time. I wanted to hold my baby the moment she arrived. I wanted friends and family to be able to come into the room and celebrate with us. I wanted to only be in the hospital for a day. But sometimes in life you don't get what you want. Sometimes you have to grief the loss of what seems like little expectations.
My water broke at 345am on Monday June 12th. We went into the hospital at 6ish because I still hadn't started labor. My contractions started around then. Things where moving slowly. I was not progressing as I should have been with my water being broke. By 3pm they were concerned because my water was broke for 12 hours with no improvement in dilation. After much thought and conversation with Levi, I decided to go on pitocin. I did not want this at all. Through my whole pregnancy I told Levi that I was one thing I DID NOT want to happen. My reasoning was that pitocin usually leads to an epidural and I just didn't want that. But for the safety of my baby and self I decided to go that route. I labored through the night with insane contractions. I can not even put into words how intense all of it was.
The nurses where shocked at the intensity of the contractions. I was at the highest level of pitocin they can legally give a woman without that woman having an epidural.
After 16 hours of laboring on that high dosage of pitocin I still was only at a 5. At this point my water had been broke for 28 hours and I was exhausted. The doctor came in and felt my belly and predicted a big baby. It is very rare that you meet someone who can walk into a room and calm that room. We found that in Dr. Andy. My regular doctor was unavailable which was hard for me at first. I wanted someone I knew to help delivery my baby. But Dr. Andy was just what we needed. He let me know my options and was in complete support of my decision to not want an epidural. But he did share his concern about my water being broke for so long and that I may be too exhausted when it came time to push. In all of that I never felt pressured to do anything I didn't want to do. Not once. Dr. Andy gave Levi and I such peace. I chose to have an epidural. At this point I was ready because I needed sleep and I just wanted my baby to be here.
I dilated to a 9 and the unexpected happened...the epidural wore off after only an hour and a half. Prior to that I had to be stuck twice because the first time only numbed my left side. I then had to labor on ungodly levels of pitocin for over an hour because when you get the epidural they are able to increase the pitocin levels. Also the anesthesiologist was helping other patients and couldn't get there right away. Since I was dilated so far they decided to give me something that was less then an epidural but still went in my back and should have lasted 2 hours (forgive me for not remembering what it was called). It lasted ten minutes. Yes that is right...10 FREAKING MINUTES! He came back in and gave me another epidural. Again this only last for an hour or so. But my spine was so full of fluid that I thought my should blades where going to explode. At the time said it was worse then the contractions...I am not sure that is true but I was not in my right mind. The anesthesiologist is retiring this year. He said he had never seen someone like me before. He was baffled. I do like going agains the current so I do take some pride in that ;)
At this point they turned down the pitocin and my contractions basically stopped. My body never went into natural labor. Everything else had happened naturally except the actual contractions. Bizarre to me.
I had prepared for the worse, mentally. I knew that there may be a chance for a c-section and I was okay with that...in my mind at least. But I had not prepared for what was to come next and my heart still breaks when I think of the next turn of events.
Dr. Andy came in and told me that they could not give me any of pain medications. He said that I could keep on laboring without it but he was afraid Addison was stuck. AND since I had stopped contracting he didn't for see me progressing enough to push. ALSO at this point my water had been broke for 39 hours and that was not good. Because I had so much fluid in my spine I would have to be under anesthesia when she was born. My heart was crushed. He left the room and Levi and I decided that was the best decision for the health of Addison. When Dr. Andy came back in he gave me such a great compliment. He told me that sacrificing what I wanted for my child was the very definition of a mom and I was a great mom. This man was so kind and understanding. Even though this is not what we wanted I felt at peace with the decision and with Dr. Andy.
As they were prepping me for surgery the nurses kept encouraging me and telling me it's okay to cry and that they knew it was hard decision. How blessed was I to receive such kindness from strangers. It was genuine. Not just part of their job. My parents came in. I don't care how old you are sometimes you still need your mom and papa to tell you that everything is going to be okay. They were there the whole time. Didn't leave the hospital once. Even though I tried to get them to go sleep at the apartment. They refused. That's love. I realized later that it was very traumatic for me to see them and it being a high stress and unknown situation and that being the last time I saw them for several weeks. Because When I woke up from surgery they weren't allowed in my room. It's almost like I didn't have closure through it. I didn't expect that.
The surgery itself didn't go as expected. They gave me a double dose of the anesthesia just because of how my body handled the epidural. Within three minutes of being under I started to wake up. They did God knows what to keep me out. Seriously...I have no idea what they did to make sure I didn't wake up. I don't like to be controlled or told what to do. Apparently no amount of medication can control my body...It's like my super power! Haha!
I came out from surgery with pneumonia, preeclampsia, and the inability to breathe when I fell asleep. I was not allowed to leave the recovery room until my blood pressure came down. I couldn't see my parents or Levi. But worst of all. The very worst thing, I couldn't see my baby. I woke up and immediately ask where my baby was. I was told it would take me awhile to realize where I was and what had happened. But not for me. I wanted my baby. They told me she was in NICU and I couldn't go see her.
Addison was in NICU because she has so stuck in the birth canal that she had bruising all up and down her body and fluid in her lungs. She was put on a feeding tube. She also had the same problem that I did where when she fell asleep she stopped breathing. She also had elevated bilirubin that weren't normal for regular jaundice that can be treated under a light. That has led us to the journey we are on now trying to figure out what is wrong with her liver but that's another blog post. It was 17 hours after her birth that I finally got to meet my Addison Grace. Out of everything that happened this was the worst. I needed my baby. She was in the hospital for 10 days. It was a very long 10 days.
Many people have commented on how strong Levi and I have been through this. How they don't know how we doing it. Especially with her liver issues and all the unknown we are still facing. But let me clarify something, our strength is not our own. Any strength we may show comes from Christ. Also, Levi and I know how to put on a face. We know how to down play our fear and anxiety. I am not saying this is healthy because it is not. When we don't tell people how freaking terrified we are then people don't know how to help or don't think we need help and we end up feeling like we are going through this alone. I know we aren't. But I was reminded by a friend of what Pastor Rod says "You have to feel to heal" writing this is helping me feel all the things that have happened over the course of 6 weeks and the things that continue to happen as Addison still has health problems. Guys, I am angry. I am angry that this has been one of the shittest years of my life. Since August 3rd life has not been fair. Yes, I know I sound like a three year old but it's just the way it is. I am scared of the future of my child. Sometimes that fear is overwhelming. I am just here being real with you all. It's okay to be real. I am learning that.
I am finding joy in my daughter and thankful for the gift God has given us. I could have never fathomed how much I could love such a little person. I am learning to live in this anger and love for God. I believe that God is okay with that. I am open to talk to anyone about this journey and what I am learning and growing in. Please don't be afraid to talk to me.
It's not the story that I wanted but it is our story and I do embrace it.
Emily. I love you. I'm always here and you guys are all the strongest people I know.
ReplyDeleteAs always I will be praying for that gorgeous girl!
You're amazing mom and everyone can see it. You had to make some of the hardest decisions for your daughter and even are still having to, I could not be more proud of the mom that you are.
I'm so glad you shared this <3 You've been on my mind and heart so often these past months. I hear you, sister. I hear you. SO much love from my little corner of the world.
ReplyDeleteHi Em. I'm sorry your birthing story wasn't how you had imagined it. Reading this I was brought to tears (I'm an emotional person). I remember not wanting an epidural, having to give in after 12hrs (12hrs after water breaking) because the pain was too much and I wasn't progressing. I cannot fathom drugs not working, I get knocked out by ibuprofen sometimes. Anyway, I really hope you find answers. I'm glad your Dr was a voice of support in your time of need. And you know what, it's ok to say this has been a shitty year, that stuff is going wrong. It's ok to grieve over and over. It's ok to be angry and disappointed. It's ok! I love you. I wish there was something I could do. If there is let me know please.
ReplyDelete