Baby Angel, a.k.a. Addison Grace, is 3 months old today! I seriously can't believe it.
Last night Levi looked at me and said, "Em, we have a baby. She is ours. I can't believe it."
Me neither babe, me neither.
It has been hard adjusting to this mom life. Mostly because of Addison's health problems. I haven't had the ability to just be a mom. I know that caring for your baby is being a mom and that taking her to every doctors appointment and hospital visit falls under that "caring". I am referring more to feeling free to sit at home and just be. Getting to know each other in a more natural way of nursing and being up at night. Not because I hold her after the nurse has stuck her with an IV. I never thought that I would be caring for a baby who was born with a disease. But here I am. We think that child birth is so natural and that if you don't smoke, drink, do drugs, etc that your baby will be fine. That is not true. I have always known that but you think you have special powers to avoid all that. I have learned that babies are a miracle. It truly is a miracle. It continues to be one for us. Addison liver functions well enough to keep her alive with veins missing. She is truly fearfully and wonderfully made.
I thought that I was prepared to be a mom. I have watched many friends become first time parents. I knew what to expect. I learned that knowing what to expect and actually experiencing it are two separate things. Running is something that I enjoy and will always enjoy. However going out on a short run is not so easy anymore. Levi is a wonderful father and encourages me to get out! However, "getting out" consists of timing. I get go too soon before a feeding or right after. I have to plan my exact route. I have to plan to do it while Levi is home (I learn quickly that I HATE running with a stroller) or go to the treadmill after she has fallen asleep. I put her in the car seat and carry her down there. Really truly not my cup of tea. Biking is basically the same story. The feeding and diaper changes didn't take much for me to get use to. I have changed a bajillion diapers in my life. It was the planning me time that is taking some getting use to.
All that being said, I could not be more in love with my baby girl. She brings us some much joy. I am not kidding, we are obsessed with her. But that's important right?
Call me crazy but I love being up at 4am. She is the most smiley. I missed her while I was sleeping. If I look down into the cradle by our bed she looks up and smiles at me. Who wouldn't love that. Also, Levi and I tend to have the most ridiculous conversations between 4 and 5 in the morning. Becoming parents has become so natural for both of us. Sure there are times where we are at a lost as to why our baby who has been sleeping till 4am all of a sudden is waking up at 2! It just feels like she's always been here, apart of us.
It is fun to watch her grow! Some things she has learned to do...
Smile
Holding her head up during tummy time
Watches us (and Tucker) when we walk around
Discovered her hands
Whines when she feels that no one is paying attention to her
Getting her fist to her month
Occasionally grabbing her feet
I know, I know, I have a genius baby ;)
I was nervous to become a mom. Truthfully infants were never my thing. I love babies and have always believed they were blessing but I wasn't drawn to them. I was worried that I wouldn't bond with my little tater tot. But I did and love her more then anything. Some days I am overwhelmed by my love for her. Someone who depends solely on me. She doesn't offer me anything in return. But here I am loving here with my whole being. I was dwelling on this thought when it struck me. I have glimpse of what God must feel towards us. He created us, we takes care of us, he holds us when we cry. He LOVES us even though he doesn't need us. I don't "need" Addison but I want her above everything. God wants us. He wants us! I can't do anything for God that He can't do himself. In a sense we created Addison but we didn't cause her liver issues. But we hold her when she cries because needles hurt. God created me but He didn't create my suffering this past year. But he holds me when I cry. Like I said, I only have a glimpse because I believe God's love is deeper for me then my love for Addison. Sometimes my heart hurts because of who much I love her. God's heart most hurt all the time because of His love for all of us.
Last night Levi looked at me and said, "Em, we have a baby. She is ours. I can't believe it."
Me neither babe, me neither.
It has been hard adjusting to this mom life. Mostly because of Addison's health problems. I haven't had the ability to just be a mom. I know that caring for your baby is being a mom and that taking her to every doctors appointment and hospital visit falls under that "caring". I am referring more to feeling free to sit at home and just be. Getting to know each other in a more natural way of nursing and being up at night. Not because I hold her after the nurse has stuck her with an IV. I never thought that I would be caring for a baby who was born with a disease. But here I am. We think that child birth is so natural and that if you don't smoke, drink, do drugs, etc that your baby will be fine. That is not true. I have always known that but you think you have special powers to avoid all that. I have learned that babies are a miracle. It truly is a miracle. It continues to be one for us. Addison liver functions well enough to keep her alive with veins missing. She is truly fearfully and wonderfully made.
I thought that I was prepared to be a mom. I have watched many friends become first time parents. I knew what to expect. I learned that knowing what to expect and actually experiencing it are two separate things. Running is something that I enjoy and will always enjoy. However going out on a short run is not so easy anymore. Levi is a wonderful father and encourages me to get out! However, "getting out" consists of timing. I get go too soon before a feeding or right after. I have to plan my exact route. I have to plan to do it while Levi is home (I learn quickly that I HATE running with a stroller) or go to the treadmill after she has fallen asleep. I put her in the car seat and carry her down there. Really truly not my cup of tea. Biking is basically the same story. The feeding and diaper changes didn't take much for me to get use to. I have changed a bajillion diapers in my life. It was the planning me time that is taking some getting use to.
All that being said, I could not be more in love with my baby girl. She brings us some much joy. I am not kidding, we are obsessed with her. But that's important right?
Call me crazy but I love being up at 4am. She is the most smiley. I missed her while I was sleeping. If I look down into the cradle by our bed she looks up and smiles at me. Who wouldn't love that. Also, Levi and I tend to have the most ridiculous conversations between 4 and 5 in the morning. Becoming parents has become so natural for both of us. Sure there are times where we are at a lost as to why our baby who has been sleeping till 4am all of a sudden is waking up at 2! It just feels like she's always been here, apart of us.
It is fun to watch her grow! Some things she has learned to do...
Holding her head up during tummy time
Watches us (and Tucker) when we walk around
Discovered her hands
Whines when she feels that no one is paying attention to her
Getting her fist to her month
Occasionally grabbing her feet
I know, I know, I have a genius baby ;)
I was nervous to become a mom. Truthfully infants were never my thing. I love babies and have always believed they were blessing but I wasn't drawn to them. I was worried that I wouldn't bond with my little tater tot. But I did and love her more then anything. Some days I am overwhelmed by my love for her. Someone who depends solely on me. She doesn't offer me anything in return. But here I am loving here with my whole being. I was dwelling on this thought when it struck me. I have glimpse of what God must feel towards us. He created us, we takes care of us, he holds us when we cry. He LOVES us even though he doesn't need us. I don't "need" Addison but I want her above everything. God wants us. He wants us! I can't do anything for God that He can't do himself. In a sense we created Addison but we didn't cause her liver issues. But we hold her when she cries because needles hurt. God created me but He didn't create my suffering this past year. But he holds me when I cry. Like I said, I only have a glimpse because I believe God's love is deeper for me then my love for Addison. Sometimes my heart hurts because of who much I love her. God's heart most hurt all the time because of His love for all of us.
I love reading your thoughts. I had the same revelation about God's love for me after my first child was born, but much of it centered around the fact that I just don't deserve the love God gives me - Addison doesn't have to earn your love, she doesn't even have to love you in return for you to love her more than your own life. Understanding How God loves me that way was life changing.
ReplyDeleteLove you Emily!