Be Still

"Be still and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

Here I am, in what I have titled as my season of stillness.  

I was accepted into Eastern Washington's Mental Health Counseling program late 2016 or early 2017, I can't remember. Through that whole process I felt that something was off. That I shouldn't be going down this road. But it was apart of MY PLAN. For heaven's sake, I said, I was going to do this and so I would do it. You see I have a problem when things in my plan change. It got to the point that I could not ignore this feeling any longer. I was sitting in a lecture that I had began to mentally blow off because I already had a plan and this guess speaker had nothing to offer me. Boy, I have never been so wrong. He was discussing a Master's degree in Social Work vs Mental Health. The jobs that I could get in Social work sounded more like what I wanted to do! PLUS, Boise State has a program that has a satellite campus that is literally 10 minutes from my house. That was huge compared to the 2 hour round trip I would have to take to Eastern every day. AND it was a night program so I would still get to be with Addison during the day. It was perfect. I would just put off Grad school for one year and go there! Fast forward several months to Addison's birth and health problems. When I started to apply for Boise State's MSW program I began to have that feeling again, that I wasn't suppose to go. Long story short (or shorter) I am not going to Grad school. I don't know why. I just know that I have more peace about not going then I do about going.

SO what now?

I thought well I should get a job because somewhere in the back of my mind I have let the stigma of being a stay at home mom get to me. I have let this idea, that I have to do more, infiltrate my mind. Or that I wasting my education by not going to grad school right away. Y'all know I am closer to thirty then I am 20, so obvi I am old (please read with sarcasm) and am running out of time. I also applied for jobs and was declined by a couple but there were a few that I could have had. I felt like God was Gibbs' slapping the back of my head. ↴

He was saying to me, "I told you, be still." 

Obliviously I do not know how to be still. I have had a job since I was 15. You see, being busy is my mask. Being busy is how I cope with life. I fill it with some much stuff that I don't have time to hear what God is saying to me. I fill it so I don't have to face the pain that I have been dealing with. I know that through this season that God is going to reveal things to me and to heal parts of my heart. 

God is saying to me "I have a different plan for your life. A plan that is beyond what you thought could happen. Wait for me. Go through this season." My heart needs to change before I am ready for the purpose that God has for me and it can not change until I walk through some of this stuff. 

My season has only just begun but I do feel that God has been revealing parts of me that need to change.  One being, what I wrap my identity in and the other is avoidance. 

I have believed for a long time that my ear piercing and tattoos defined who I was. That it made me a "bad ass mother, who don't take no crap off of nobody." (name that movie and I will give you a high five). The reason I wanted to be this way is because of things that some people told me at some point in my life. I was rough, that I didn't smile, or that physical touch isn't my love language*, that meant there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I believed those lies. I had an attitude that people wouldn't except me for me and rather than people rejecting me after they got to know me, I would give them a chance to because of my appearance. So I began to make my appearance as such. So don't be surprised if when you see me and the piercings are gone. Don't get me wrong I still LOVE my tattoos and there is so much meaning behind each of them but it may be awhile before I add to the collection. 

Another "thing" that I have wrapped my identity in is running. I seriously love to run and exercise. But since having Addison it really makes it hard to go the gym. I have had to really come to peace with where my life is right now. It hasn't been easy. To have joy in the moments that I do get to go on a run! 

I tend to avoid things that cause my heart to feel crushed. Don't we all? After Rory died it was easy for me to focus on school, graduating, being pregnant, having Addison, and dealing with her health issues. But as all that slowed down and life became "normal" I realized how lost I was in my own grief. That I am so angry that I have to deal with this. Anger that all of us have to live our lives without Rory. That every holiday, birthday, special event, etc will be filled with some sort of sadness because he won't be there. The fact that he wasn't there for Addison's birth and that I have to tell my sweet baby girl about her uncle Rory. Angry that my parents, siblings, his wife, and daughters all have to go through there own journey of grief. I know that I need to go through it. I have to come out the other side. But I can't do that if I am not still and present. 

One side note: I am still processing this but I also believe this season is going to allow me to be more available to people. Allowing me to meet with them and have them over to my house. To be there for people because that is more important then a degree or money. 

So here I am. Searching for God's presence in the midst of all the change in my life. Staying present so that I can grow. I don't want to be the same person I was in 2017. I will continue to write as God reveals things to me in this season. Be looking out for my Being Still posts. 

I am open to talk about any and all of this if anyone would like to know more. 

*people who do not have physical touch as their love language DOES NOT mean they don't like hugs or affection. 

Because she is one of my main reasons for stillness