WOWZA!
Levi and I have officially lived here for 3 years! It really has been one of the craziest rides I have ever been on.
Since moving here we have had our darkest moments and our happiest. We have walked through situations that we could have never imagined traveling through. I wanted to share some thoughts that I had this morning after I realized it was August 12.
1) True friendship knows no miles
There is a fear in moving that you will lose touch with your friends. Or to be honest (or as our middle schoolers say TBH) that you will be forgotten (what can I say? Sometimes I am self-centered). We have not found that to be the case. Yes, the frequencies of phone calls and video chats have lessened but that doesn't mean that we aren't friends. That we don't care about each other. It means life gets busy. They continue their lives there and we continue our lives here. New friendships happen on both sides and being present where you are is just as important as keeping connections to where you were. Through the celebration and trails we have had over the past several years (both for us and for them) we know that we are here for each other. In fact, I am currently in a book club with two of my friends from Truckee. Hannah now lives in Michigan with her family and Danielle is in Truckee. It is the perfect situation for us mommas. We put the kiddos down for bed and video chat about life and the book we are reading. Hannah is being the real MVP by doing it at 10pm her time. See, friends sacrifice for each other. Haha!
But I also learned that we have deep friendships here. That we are so lucky to have people who love us in both places. We have walked through the dark times. Who have danced in the celebration. People who are only 15 minutes away. People who come get your baby when you are sick with the flu and your husband is at camp (thanks Court! still don't know what I'd do without you). Friends who babysit for free so you can have a date night. Friends who bring you dinner once a week because you or the doctors don't know whats wrong with your baby and they want you to have one less thing to think about during the week. I walked into church this morning and was greeted by several friends and we exchanged hugs and hellos. I remember our first service at Lake City. I bawled my eyes out because the worship pastor was singing a song that I knew but I didn't know the pastor, it wasn't Tony and I couldn't deal. I remember thinking that this church would never feel like home ( I know dramatic) but I was wrong! Praise the Lord. We now have Framily in two place!
2) I learned to cook...Sorta
Alright, most of you know that I am married to an amazing man who can cook! We have both always worked full time and we agreed that I would do EVERYTHING in the house BUT cook. I refused to learn. Also had no desire to. After I graduated college and had Addison I figured since I was the one staying home I should probably learn to do something in the kitchen. You'd think I would start with the easy stuff like spaghetti or tacos. Oh no, I found some recipes on Pinterest that were elaborate 3 hour prep meals....mistake #1. I then would get beyond frustrated when I couldn't do things perfect the first time (shocker?!)...mistake #2. I refused to let Levi help me cause really how hard was cooking and if he tried to teach me I ASSUMED he was telling me I was wrong...mistake #3. How silly of me. Don't worry, I now ask for help and we have spaghetti and tacos at least once a month. Okay, that's a lie. It's at least twice a month. But the real lesson here is that I am not fearful of the kitchen or to ask for help. Ask Courtney...she asked me to cube tomatoes and I said huh? Ha! She taught me how to do that. Danielle (same one as mentioned above) totally understands that because one time she asked me to do the same to an onion and I was lost. Thanks for loving me guys. I am a wreck most days.
3) We still love Middle School students
When we moved here I def had more of a heart for high school students. But then I started serving in Middle School. I didn't think there was anything a middle school student could teach me. Ha, ya the joke was on me. Being with strictly middle school students has taught me several things. First, they are a lot more complex then we give them credit for. Second, they have more compassion for others then I think I did yesterday. Third, they are funny! Like make me laugh so hard. Fourth, they just want to be loved conditionally. Middle School is so hard. They want a place to go that they know that belong. That they can feel loved and support just for being themselves. We have a student who has autism. When he first started coming he did not want to sit in the main gathering because it was too loud and didn't hold his interest. Last Tuesday he volunteered to play a game. VOLUNTEERED! You guys, this is huge! People think that games don't matter. That its the only the word of God the kids need to hear. I disagree. Fun over time builds trust. When the students learn to trust you they will then trust what you have to say about the love of Jesus! This boy didn't trust our system but over the last year or so he learned to trust us in the little things. I know he will trust us in the big things. Like so many of our students. We want them to know we love them but more importantly that Jesus loves them more than they could ever imagine!
4) I can do the things I set my mind to
At 26 years of age I graduated college. I did it. Simply as that. I had a middle school teacher tell me that I wasn't smart enough for college. That I wore my emotions on my sleeves and that would hinder my future. That I wouldn't amount to anything. I believed those lies for a long time. I lived under this umbrella that I wasn't smart enough to go to college. That if I did I would flunk out. But I didn't! Unfortunately I am still learning to battle these lies. But I won't give up and I won't give in. I know who Jesus says that I am. I am made with a purpose. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved beyond measure. This is also a huge reason I will fight for middle school students everyday. If I hear anyone talking down about them or to them you better believe I will be right there to stand up for them. To speak only life into their lives. No one deserves to be told the things that I was told.
5) I have learned who God is (or at least I have started to learn)
I remember moving here and thinking my heart would never feel a deeper grief. Unfortunately I was wrong. Since moving here I have experienced more grief then I have in my whole life. We have had friends loss grandparents, parents, cousins, and children. We have walked with students who lost friends to suicide. We have worked with children who don't have home or are living with people who aren't their biological parents. We lost Rory. I often focus on what I or others have lost. I focus on the pain in my heart. I feel robbed of my time. But what I am coming to find is I have gained a deeper understanding of who God is. People have taken the time to speak into my pain and through that they have given me glimpses of the Father. I often have thought of God coming into my darkness but the truth is, He is always present. I had a friend tell me that in the midst of a tragedy God is shouting "no no no no." That he is crying when I am crying. The same friend also told me this
"With grief, I believe better things: my loss is someone else’s victory. With grief, I am forced to believe that God is real and He is here and He recycles my pain into someone else’s miracle."
I love that. I really don't like it when people say that God will use my pain to better me. To make me stronger. To do good. Frankly, I am fine with who I was. But when she said that my pain can be used for someone else, I can get behind that. Yes, let me know that what I have learned about God through my grief help someone else. Not myself. I have learned that no matter what happens I have to trust God. I have to lean on him to give me the strength, compassion, and peace to deal. I don't believe that God is a puppet master. That he controls all outcomes in my life. But I do know that all good things come from the Father (James 1:7). Meaning all evil in my life comes from the devil or the demons at work in this world. Not God. I do believe that when all of this tragedy happens that God is shouting "NO. This is not what I wanted for my children."
That has given me so much comfort. Just knowing that God's heart for me is only love. Yes I will grow through my pain. I hope the way that I grew is that I love people better. That I am a better representation of God's love. That my actions are always out of love. Even if what I say or do is hard for someone to hear. I pray that they know I am only acting out love. Love isn't always easy. Love isn't only warm fuzzy feelings. Love sometimes hurts. But the hurt shouldn't be out of shame but because sometimes we have growing pains. Growing in Christ can be painful because it is painful to change. I have learned that Jesus literally gave everything. And so will I.
That last lesson was a little rambling. But sometimes that is how I process. Someday maybe I will be able to eloquently express how much God teaches me. How much my heart is changing in who I know God to be.
Levi and I have officially lived here for 3 years! It really has been one of the craziest rides I have ever been on.
Since moving here we have had our darkest moments and our happiest. We have walked through situations that we could have never imagined traveling through. I wanted to share some thoughts that I had this morning after I realized it was August 12.
1) True friendship knows no miles
There is a fear in moving that you will lose touch with your friends. Or to be honest (or as our middle schoolers say TBH) that you will be forgotten (what can I say? Sometimes I am self-centered). We have not found that to be the case. Yes, the frequencies of phone calls and video chats have lessened but that doesn't mean that we aren't friends. That we don't care about each other. It means life gets busy. They continue their lives there and we continue our lives here. New friendships happen on both sides and being present where you are is just as important as keeping connections to where you were. Through the celebration and trails we have had over the past several years (both for us and for them) we know that we are here for each other. In fact, I am currently in a book club with two of my friends from Truckee. Hannah now lives in Michigan with her family and Danielle is in Truckee. It is the perfect situation for us mommas. We put the kiddos down for bed and video chat about life and the book we are reading. Hannah is being the real MVP by doing it at 10pm her time. See, friends sacrifice for each other. Haha!
But I also learned that we have deep friendships here. That we are so lucky to have people who love us in both places. We have walked through the dark times. Who have danced in the celebration. People who are only 15 minutes away. People who come get your baby when you are sick with the flu and your husband is at camp (thanks Court! still don't know what I'd do without you). Friends who babysit for free so you can have a date night. Friends who bring you dinner once a week because you or the doctors don't know whats wrong with your baby and they want you to have one less thing to think about during the week. I walked into church this morning and was greeted by several friends and we exchanged hugs and hellos. I remember our first service at Lake City. I bawled my eyes out because the worship pastor was singing a song that I knew but I didn't know the pastor, it wasn't Tony and I couldn't deal. I remember thinking that this church would never feel like home ( I know dramatic) but I was wrong! Praise the Lord. We now have Framily in two place!
2) I learned to cook...Sorta
Alright, most of you know that I am married to an amazing man who can cook! We have both always worked full time and we agreed that I would do EVERYTHING in the house BUT cook. I refused to learn. Also had no desire to. After I graduated college and had Addison I figured since I was the one staying home I should probably learn to do something in the kitchen. You'd think I would start with the easy stuff like spaghetti or tacos. Oh no, I found some recipes on Pinterest that were elaborate 3 hour prep meals....mistake #1. I then would get beyond frustrated when I couldn't do things perfect the first time (shocker?!)...mistake #2. I refused to let Levi help me cause really how hard was cooking and if he tried to teach me I ASSUMED he was telling me I was wrong...mistake #3. How silly of me. Don't worry, I now ask for help and we have spaghetti and tacos at least once a month. Okay, that's a lie. It's at least twice a month. But the real lesson here is that I am not fearful of the kitchen or to ask for help. Ask Courtney...she asked me to cube tomatoes and I said huh? Ha! She taught me how to do that. Danielle (same one as mentioned above) totally understands that because one time she asked me to do the same to an onion and I was lost. Thanks for loving me guys. I am a wreck most days.
3) We still love Middle School students
When we moved here I def had more of a heart for high school students. But then I started serving in Middle School. I didn't think there was anything a middle school student could teach me. Ha, ya the joke was on me. Being with strictly middle school students has taught me several things. First, they are a lot more complex then we give them credit for. Second, they have more compassion for others then I think I did yesterday. Third, they are funny! Like make me laugh so hard. Fourth, they just want to be loved conditionally. Middle School is so hard. They want a place to go that they know that belong. That they can feel loved and support just for being themselves. We have a student who has autism. When he first started coming he did not want to sit in the main gathering because it was too loud and didn't hold his interest. Last Tuesday he volunteered to play a game. VOLUNTEERED! You guys, this is huge! People think that games don't matter. That its the only the word of God the kids need to hear. I disagree. Fun over time builds trust. When the students learn to trust you they will then trust what you have to say about the love of Jesus! This boy didn't trust our system but over the last year or so he learned to trust us in the little things. I know he will trust us in the big things. Like so many of our students. We want them to know we love them but more importantly that Jesus loves them more than they could ever imagine!
4) I can do the things I set my mind to
At 26 years of age I graduated college. I did it. Simply as that. I had a middle school teacher tell me that I wasn't smart enough for college. That I wore my emotions on my sleeves and that would hinder my future. That I wouldn't amount to anything. I believed those lies for a long time. I lived under this umbrella that I wasn't smart enough to go to college. That if I did I would flunk out. But I didn't! Unfortunately I am still learning to battle these lies. But I won't give up and I won't give in. I know who Jesus says that I am. I am made with a purpose. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved beyond measure. This is also a huge reason I will fight for middle school students everyday. If I hear anyone talking down about them or to them you better believe I will be right there to stand up for them. To speak only life into their lives. No one deserves to be told the things that I was told.
5) I have learned who God is (or at least I have started to learn)
I remember moving here and thinking my heart would never feel a deeper grief. Unfortunately I was wrong. Since moving here I have experienced more grief then I have in my whole life. We have had friends loss grandparents, parents, cousins, and children. We have walked with students who lost friends to suicide. We have worked with children who don't have home or are living with people who aren't their biological parents. We lost Rory. I often focus on what I or others have lost. I focus on the pain in my heart. I feel robbed of my time. But what I am coming to find is I have gained a deeper understanding of who God is. People have taken the time to speak into my pain and through that they have given me glimpses of the Father. I often have thought of God coming into my darkness but the truth is, He is always present. I had a friend tell me that in the midst of a tragedy God is shouting "no no no no." That he is crying when I am crying. The same friend also told me this
"With grief, I believe better things: my loss is someone else’s victory. With grief, I am forced to believe that God is real and He is here and He recycles my pain into someone else’s miracle."
I love that. I really don't like it when people say that God will use my pain to better me. To make me stronger. To do good. Frankly, I am fine with who I was. But when she said that my pain can be used for someone else, I can get behind that. Yes, let me know that what I have learned about God through my grief help someone else. Not myself. I have learned that no matter what happens I have to trust God. I have to lean on him to give me the strength, compassion, and peace to deal. I don't believe that God is a puppet master. That he controls all outcomes in my life. But I do know that all good things come from the Father (James 1:7). Meaning all evil in my life comes from the devil or the demons at work in this world. Not God. I do believe that when all of this tragedy happens that God is shouting "NO. This is not what I wanted for my children."
That has given me so much comfort. Just knowing that God's heart for me is only love. Yes I will grow through my pain. I hope the way that I grew is that I love people better. That I am a better representation of God's love. That my actions are always out of love. Even if what I say or do is hard for someone to hear. I pray that they know I am only acting out love. Love isn't always easy. Love isn't only warm fuzzy feelings. Love sometimes hurts. But the hurt shouldn't be out of shame but because sometimes we have growing pains. Growing in Christ can be painful because it is painful to change. I have learned that Jesus literally gave everything. And so will I.
That last lesson was a little rambling. But sometimes that is how I process. Someday maybe I will be able to eloquently express how much God teaches me. How much my heart is changing in who I know God to be.
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