Elias Cash Ponczoch
Born on April 2nd 2019 @ 12:54pm via planned caesarean
9lbs 8oz
21.5 inches long
We thought he was perfect. He was big like his sis. He was squishy. He was here. I had plenty of anxiety going into this birth. Addison's birth was less than ideal. I was terrified for me. For my health. Not my boy. The thought of him being born anything less than healthy never occurred to me. We already experienced that. We were told by a handful of doctors and nurses that this would be a perfect baby.
You can imagine the shock when 2 hours later he was being care-flighted from Kootenai Hospital NICU to Sacred Heart's NICU. He was born breathless.
Breathless.
I have spent the last 11 months surviving. Trying to be happy because my boy is alive. and HEALTHY. But as time passes this gnawing in my soul won't let me forget what we went through. It creeps in at the most inopportune times. Such as buying groceries, watching a show, or driving passed the hospital he was born in. Most of the time in looks like uncontrollable sobs. But it's time. Time to write about what we experienced. How it has changed me.
I adore my doctor. He is a man that puts me at ease. He fills me with confidence. But also speaks the truth when I need to hear it. He is a man who laughs all the time. When he heard from the nurses that I was nervous about the birth process because of what I experienced with Addison he came right in. Talked me down. Helped me take deep breaths. He asked me what I wanted to listen to. It was only fitting that we listened to Johnny Cash radio. I mean come on. Elias was born to God's Gonna Cut You Down by the man himself. It was perfect. Levi went over to the table where they were cleaning Elias off. Giving me the play by play. Then they brought him to me. Placed him right in my arms. I held my boy for the first time. I thought "this. This is what giving birth is suppose to feel like and be like." I was relieved. Everything had gone according to plan.
After Cash (it is very possible I will refer to him as both Elias and Cash through out this post) was born they wheeled us over to the recovery room. I got to push the bottom that alerts the whole hospital that a baby was born. We didn't get to do that with Addison. Another sign that this was different. It wasn't going to be the same as Addison's birth.
The nurse came in and listened to his heart and lungs again. Then again. Then again. I started to get a sinking feeling. I asked what was going on. She told me that something didn't sound right. I agreed and said "Yeah he seems to sound like he's got junk in his chest. But it's probably just because he didn't get pushed through the birth canal. You know he was c-section."
I want to pause and apologize to all nurses every where for patients like me. I watch a couple medical shows I think I know what I am talking about. I am sorry.
She called in the respiratory therapist. Who then called the neonatologist. In that moment I looked up and caught the look on Levi's face. It is hard to put into words what his face said. I have thought about that moment more times then I can count. But I will try. It looked like a man that wanted to say words he never says. A man who knows we are about to go through hell again and there is no stopping it. A man who knows this path all too well and there is no escape from it.
My heart filled with dread. The nurse asked me to give her Elias.
"Excuse me. Give you my baby? You want me to hand over my child to you. Nope. Not happening. Can't do it. Try a different mom."
I looked desperately over to Levi. My eyes pleading with his. Begging that some how we had walked into the wrong story. That this was not happening. That I was not having to hand over my baby. I almost had to give Elias to Levi so he could give him to the nurse. I didn't. I pulled the last remaining strength I had to give him to the nurse. Then I watched them take my boy away. Levi followed. I needed his eyes on our son.
Shortly after they wheeled me to the postpartum room. The only phone call I remember making was to my mom. The first thing I told her..."They took him away."
Not great. I'm sorry mom. Mom had Addison at our house. I am sure she was anxiously waiting for pictures. Not the phone call I gave her.
They did an ECHO of his heart. It didn't look good. They quickly flighted him over to Sacred Heart. Again, I sent Levi to be with our son. I would be fine. I called mom again with an update.
At this point the next 2 days blur together. I am not sure which way is up and which way is down.
I was blessed beyond measure with visitors and support. Levi came back both nights to stay with me. Help me get back on my feet.
Courtney recently told me that when she came she was shocked at how cool and collected I seemed. That nothing seem to phase me. I have thought about that many times since she told me that. Honestly, I think it was because I didn't think it was going to be bad. I was living in denial. I thought well Addison was only in NICU 10 days. We can do 10 days. No biggie. We got this.
Mom brought Addison in to see me while I was waiting to be discharged. It broke my heart that she didn't get to meet her brother. But that was okay. She'd meet him soon. What's a couple more days? Ha.
The moment I was discharged Levi and I drove to Spokane, Washington. When I came in and saw my baby I broke. I sobbed. There was group of medical professionals doing something, I cant tell you what. One of them pulled everyone out so we could have a moment with Elias. I tried to touch him. I was immediately chastised by the nurse because I was touching him wrong. That his heart couldn't handle the way I was touching him....what? I felt as if I was living in an alternate universe. I don't even know how to touch my own child? Apparently, yes there is when the child has a heart condition called Pulmonary Hypertension.
I felt so belittle. Stupid. Not good enough. Many nurses see babies that are in NICU because of something the mother has done to them. I was asked by a certain nurse who shall remain nameless (mostly because I honestly don't remember her name) a bajillion times what medication I took while pregnant with Elias.
none. the answer was always nothing.
We had wonderful care at Sacred Heart. The nurses and doctors are wonderful. I am not discounting all their beauty because of one nurse. But that one nurse wrecked me. I have spent the last year healing from a guilt that wasn't mine to carry. A guilt that I did something to my son. That I caused is PA valve to close to early causing his right ventricle to be enlarged. Causing his Pulmonary Hypertension.
After arriving at the hospital Cash's cardiologist came to see me. He wanted to sit with me and re-explain what was going on with our son. This man is a saint. He drew pictures for me. He encouraged all my questions. He explained the same thing over and over again. There was one time that I disagreed with some care that Cash was receiving and asked to speak with him. He was in my room within 5 minutes. He knew how to calm a mother's heart.
The ins and outs of the next 25 days are a complete blur. We lived with some friends in Spokane for that month. My parents took Addison AND Tucker. Our friends came to visit all the time. People gave love offerings so that we weren't spending tons of money on food and gas. At some point Levi went back to work. Not because he had to but he needed to. His mind needed to be focused on something he could do. There wasn't a whole lot that we could do for Elias. The next couple thoughts are just random memories I have from our time in NICU. I am going to work on another post that will probably be titled Life in NICU
There were a couple times that we thought we would be discharged but something would come up and Elias wasn't stable enough to come home. The big one was his blood pressure. One of the highest he had was 135/95. The team wanted it 95/60. He had picked up on his feedings and seemed to be doing well. They took out his feeding tube. The end was in sight. We (ya know, we) just had to get his O2 levels normal and we could go home. He had a couple feeds that weren't great but I just figured it was a bad day and he'd be fine. We were preparing to go home on Oxygen when a nurse popped over to say hello. She really enjoyed Elias but he wasn't under her care that day. We informed her that we would be going home. She kindly and lovingly said "not if I can help it. That boy is not ready to go home." She was absolutely right. This is when they discovered how high is blood pressure was and when his eating declined. The feeding tube went back in and we took one step back.
We spent the next couple weeks (I think) trying to get his blood pressure down. When I say we I am either referring to the team of doctors and nurses or Elias himself. I was in fact in control of nothing.
NOTHING.
I am a recovering control freak. You would think that after the last 4 years I have had I would learn that there is little to nothing I have control of. But I haven't. Every time something bad happens I end angry because there isn't anything I can do to change the bad. To make it disappear. So there I sat. In NICU. Not in control of anything.
There were so many things that happened. Yet it feels impossible to put into words. I start to type and lose the words. The experience. The memory. Or I doubt myself. I doubt the importance of the event. The emotion. I am finding my voice in all of this. Many close to me know that I have been asking their experience through this. What they remember. We can all experience the same event yet remember it differently. Or remember things that other's don't. That is why it is important to share our experiences with one another. You never know what could be healing for someone else.
We ended up not needing the oxygen to go home. But we did need the feeding tube. Elias came home on a feeding tube. We weren't off the feeding tube until the end of July. Again, that is another journey that deserves its own post. I did find a dear friend through this part of his story. His dietician has become a beloved friend who dealt with a lot of my insecurities and fears when it came to Elias' eating. She encouraged me when I felt like a failure because He would not nurse. She reminded me that a fed baby is all we wanted. It didn't matter if I had to pump and then give it to him. Or if that became too much that formula was a blessing.
The last night in the hospital was a freaking nightmare. He cried all night. And threw up every feeding. I was convinced they would deem us unfit and keep him forever. I am not saying I was rational. Just saying what I thought. But they did let us go home. My parents brought Addison (and Tucker) home the next day.
We came home on 5 different medications on top of the NG tube. I had a chart that I taped to the cupboard so that we could check off which medication was given and when. No more amazing nurses to do that. It was all on us. What a scary place that was. Being a parent is a scary place to be in general. Add medications and doctors appointments and all that was a whole different ball game. But here we are. Alive. Healthy.
Elias will be 1 in two days.
wow.
I am sure there are things I forgot or wish I would have said.
For now this is what there is. I am sure there will be more to come as I am getting back into my rhythm of writing. Thank you for taking the time to hear me.
Born on April 2nd 2019 @ 12:54pm via planned caesarean
9lbs 8oz
21.5 inches long
We thought he was perfect. He was big like his sis. He was squishy. He was here. I had plenty of anxiety going into this birth. Addison's birth was less than ideal. I was terrified for me. For my health. Not my boy. The thought of him being born anything less than healthy never occurred to me. We already experienced that. We were told by a handful of doctors and nurses that this would be a perfect baby.You can imagine the shock when 2 hours later he was being care-flighted from Kootenai Hospital NICU to Sacred Heart's NICU. He was born breathless.
Breathless.
I have spent the last 11 months surviving. Trying to be happy because my boy is alive. and HEALTHY. But as time passes this gnawing in my soul won't let me forget what we went through. It creeps in at the most inopportune times. Such as buying groceries, watching a show, or driving passed the hospital he was born in. Most of the time in looks like uncontrollable sobs. But it's time. Time to write about what we experienced. How it has changed me.
I adore my doctor. He is a man that puts me at ease. He fills me with confidence. But also speaks the truth when I need to hear it. He is a man who laughs all the time. When he heard from the nurses that I was nervous about the birth process because of what I experienced with Addison he came right in. Talked me down. Helped me take deep breaths. He asked me what I wanted to listen to. It was only fitting that we listened to Johnny Cash radio. I mean come on. Elias was born to God's Gonna Cut You Down by the man himself. It was perfect. Levi went over to the table where they were cleaning Elias off. Giving me the play by play. Then they brought him to me. Placed him right in my arms. I held my boy for the first time. I thought "this. This is what giving birth is suppose to feel like and be like." I was relieved. Everything had gone according to plan.
After Cash (it is very possible I will refer to him as both Elias and Cash through out this post) was born they wheeled us over to the recovery room. I got to push the bottom that alerts the whole hospital that a baby was born. We didn't get to do that with Addison. Another sign that this was different. It wasn't going to be the same as Addison's birth.
The nurse came in and listened to his heart and lungs again. Then again. Then again. I started to get a sinking feeling. I asked what was going on. She told me that something didn't sound right. I agreed and said "Yeah he seems to sound like he's got junk in his chest. But it's probably just because he didn't get pushed through the birth canal. You know he was c-section."
I want to pause and apologize to all nurses every where for patients like me. I watch a couple medical shows I think I know what I am talking about. I am sorry.
She called in the respiratory therapist. Who then called the neonatologist. In that moment I looked up and caught the look on Levi's face. It is hard to put into words what his face said. I have thought about that moment more times then I can count. But I will try. It looked like a man that wanted to say words he never says. A man who knows we are about to go through hell again and there is no stopping it. A man who knows this path all too well and there is no escape from it.
My heart filled with dread. The nurse asked me to give her Elias.
"Excuse me. Give you my baby? You want me to hand over my child to you. Nope. Not happening. Can't do it. Try a different mom."
I looked desperately over to Levi. My eyes pleading with his. Begging that some how we had walked into the wrong story. That this was not happening. That I was not having to hand over my baby. I almost had to give Elias to Levi so he could give him to the nurse. I didn't. I pulled the last remaining strength I had to give him to the nurse. Then I watched them take my boy away. Levi followed. I needed his eyes on our son.
Shortly after they wheeled me to the postpartum room. The only phone call I remember making was to my mom. The first thing I told her..."They took him away."
Not great. I'm sorry mom. Mom had Addison at our house. I am sure she was anxiously waiting for pictures. Not the phone call I gave her.
They did an ECHO of his heart. It didn't look good. They quickly flighted him over to Sacred Heart. Again, I sent Levi to be with our son. I would be fine. I called mom again with an update.
At this point the next 2 days blur together. I am not sure which way is up and which way is down.
I was blessed beyond measure with visitors and support. Levi came back both nights to stay with me. Help me get back on my feet.
Courtney recently told me that when she came she was shocked at how cool and collected I seemed. That nothing seem to phase me. I have thought about that many times since she told me that. Honestly, I think it was because I didn't think it was going to be bad. I was living in denial. I thought well Addison was only in NICU 10 days. We can do 10 days. No biggie. We got this.
Mom brought Addison in to see me while I was waiting to be discharged. It broke my heart that she didn't get to meet her brother. But that was okay. She'd meet him soon. What's a couple more days? Ha.
The moment I was discharged Levi and I drove to Spokane, Washington. When I came in and saw my baby I broke. I sobbed. There was group of medical professionals doing something, I cant tell you what. One of them pulled everyone out so we could have a moment with Elias. I tried to touch him. I was immediately chastised by the nurse because I was touching him wrong. That his heart couldn't handle the way I was touching him....what? I felt as if I was living in an alternate universe. I don't even know how to touch my own child? Apparently, yes there is when the child has a heart condition called Pulmonary Hypertension.
I felt so belittle. Stupid. Not good enough. Many nurses see babies that are in NICU because of something the mother has done to them. I was asked by a certain nurse who shall remain nameless (mostly because I honestly don't remember her name) a bajillion times what medication I took while pregnant with Elias.none. the answer was always nothing.
We had wonderful care at Sacred Heart. The nurses and doctors are wonderful. I am not discounting all their beauty because of one nurse. But that one nurse wrecked me. I have spent the last year healing from a guilt that wasn't mine to carry. A guilt that I did something to my son. That I caused is PA valve to close to early causing his right ventricle to be enlarged. Causing his Pulmonary Hypertension.
After arriving at the hospital Cash's cardiologist came to see me. He wanted to sit with me and re-explain what was going on with our son. This man is a saint. He drew pictures for me. He encouraged all my questions. He explained the same thing over and over again. There was one time that I disagreed with some care that Cash was receiving and asked to speak with him. He was in my room within 5 minutes. He knew how to calm a mother's heart.
 |
| The first picture we got without the CPAP. They left it off for a half a second so we could get this. The tube coming out of his mouth is his feeding tube. He came home on an NG tube which is inserted through the nose. |
 |
| Day 3 was the first time Levi got to hold Elias |
 |
| This photo gets me. Levi had not yet held Elias. |
There were a couple times that we thought we would be discharged but something would come up and Elias wasn't stable enough to come home. The big one was his blood pressure. One of the highest he had was 135/95. The team wanted it 95/60. He had picked up on his feedings and seemed to be doing well. They took out his feeding tube. The end was in sight. We (ya know, we) just had to get his O2 levels normal and we could go home. He had a couple feeds that weren't great but I just figured it was a bad day and he'd be fine. We were preparing to go home on Oxygen when a nurse popped over to say hello. She really enjoyed Elias but he wasn't under her care that day. We informed her that we would be going home. She kindly and lovingly said "not if I can help it. That boy is not ready to go home." She was absolutely right. This is when they discovered how high is blood pressure was and when his eating declined. The feeding tube went back in and we took one step back.
We spent the next couple weeks (I think) trying to get his blood pressure down. When I say we I am either referring to the team of doctors and nurses or Elias himself. I was in fact in control of nothing.
NOTHING.
I am a recovering control freak. You would think that after the last 4 years I have had I would learn that there is little to nothing I have control of. But I haven't. Every time something bad happens I end angry because there isn't anything I can do to change the bad. To make it disappear. So there I sat. In NICU. Not in control of anything.
There were so many things that happened. Yet it feels impossible to put into words. I start to type and lose the words. The experience. The memory. Or I doubt myself. I doubt the importance of the event. The emotion. I am finding my voice in all of this. Many close to me know that I have been asking their experience through this. What they remember. We can all experience the same event yet remember it differently. Or remember things that other's don't. That is why it is important to share our experiences with one another. You never know what could be healing for someone else.
We ended up not needing the oxygen to go home. But we did need the feeding tube. Elias came home on a feeding tube. We weren't off the feeding tube until the end of July. Again, that is another journey that deserves its own post. I did find a dear friend through this part of his story. His dietician has become a beloved friend who dealt with a lot of my insecurities and fears when it came to Elias' eating. She encouraged me when I felt like a failure because He would not nurse. She reminded me that a fed baby is all we wanted. It didn't matter if I had to pump and then give it to him. Or if that became too much that formula was a blessing.
The last night in the hospital was a freaking nightmare. He cried all night. And threw up every feeding. I was convinced they would deem us unfit and keep him forever. I am not saying I was rational. Just saying what I thought. But they did let us go home. My parents brought Addison (and Tucker) home the next day.
We came home on 5 different medications on top of the NG tube. I had a chart that I taped to the cupboard so that we could check off which medication was given and when. No more amazing nurses to do that. It was all on us. What a scary place that was. Being a parent is a scary place to be in general. Add medications and doctors appointments and all that was a whole different ball game. But here we are. Alive. Healthy.
Elias will be 1 in two days.
wow.
 |
| The first time Addison got to meet her brother. She was so sweet with him. She would gently touch the feeding tube and kiss his "owie" |
 |
| Those snuggles kept me going |
 |
| Elias' first time in clothes |
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| His face was so squishy. |
I am sure there are things I forgot or wish I would have said.
For now this is what there is. I am sure there will be more to come as I am getting back into my rhythm of writing. Thank you for taking the time to hear me.
Thank you for sharing such ya deeply personal time. Praise God that He was and is in control. Happy birthday, Elias Cash! 😘💕🌈🎈🎈
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