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30.

 Turning 30 didn't feel like this big deal birthday to me. I didn't want any huge celebrations. I honestly was excited to turn the big 3-0. 

I was told it is because how I feel and act is getting closer to my actual age. So as I get older going to bed at 830pm will match my age. 

The last 10 years have been big growing seasons for me. I can truly say I am not the same person I was when I turned 20. 

At 20 we had just moved to California. I was working in food and beverage. I was experiencing people in a whole new way. I was by far one of the youngest people in our department. We were working late nights and earlier mornings. I couldn't see passed tomorrow. Levi and I were still figuring out this marriage thing (cause you know we now have it figured out....kidding). We found a church and our framily in Truckee. We had a group of people surround us and guide us through the first 5 years of marriage. The first 5 years of our life post high school. By the time we moved to CDA I thought I had it all figured out. I knew what good friends looked like. I know what a good church looked like. I know what adulting looked like. We went through some really rough years of marriage and came out the other side. I thought I had arrived. At 25 I was terrified to turn 30. I didn't want to turn 30. But then I started to experience the deepest grief I had ever experienced and never imagined. 

The years from 25-29 were some of the most painful of my life. I experienced nights that I didn't think I would survive. When Rory died I didn't think I would make it through that pain. Not that I think you ever really make it through that kind of pain. It just changes. Then I started the next the next journey of motherhood. Something that I knew in my head would be hard. But my heart didn't know it. Motherhood alone is hard. We added two sick babies to the mix and again my heart experienced a pain I never thought possible. To watch your children fight for their little lives. To lay in hospital beds and have conversations with God that were some of the most honest and real conversations I have ever had with Him. 

But there was joy in those years. We found our framily in CDA. We found hope in friendships. We saw what Christ love looks like when His people are there for each other. I graduated college, something I never thought possible for myself. I found a mentors who have given me advice, encouragement, spoken life and vision into my life. They have also had the hard conversations. The ones were they bring to light things in my life that need to change. For that I am grateful. My family and I have grown closer. We are planning Christmas gatherings that are going to so fun. We have had conversations about the past and forgiveness wrapped up in all of that. I have come to know a relationship with God that I have never known before. One full of acceptance, gentleness, and so so so much grace. Love. 

The hardest part for me about turning 30 is knowing that I am reaching the age that Rory was when died. That is hard for me. He always felt so much older then I was. In a few short years I will be an age that he never got to be. I will get to see my children grow in ways that he didn't. That is something that is very difficult for me. It breaks me. 

I am excited for the next decade of life. To see where God takes me. 

Cheers to 30!


This was the gift Levi gave me. Rory was a huge Cubs fan (I am a Red Sox fan) so he got me a jersey with Rory's number and Last name. There is a huge possibility that I cried. A lot. 


Oh and I also got a mini van. So I am officially


30. 

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