11 years

 13 years together...11 years married. 

Writing about our last year of life has become one of my favorite ways to reflect on our marriage. It allows me reflect and have record of what went on. 

This last year has been a year of major growth for both Levi and myself. We have hit some of our lowest points in the last year. The vow "in sickness or in health" has been something we learned to live out. In my experience loving someone when their sickness has an end date is easier for me. Knowing the flu will be over in a couple days. This year we experienced a different kind of sickness...depression...anxiety...disordered eating. 

Last fall everything came crashing down. It wasn't an event that led to the crash. I think it was the lack of an event. For several years now there has been something we have had to face. Rory's death, Addison's health, and then Elias' health. Last fall Elias was finally off his feeding tube and several of his meds. We weren't having to fortify his food anymore to gain weight. He was hitting development goals. Addison had recently been changed to an every other year check up with her hepatologist and GI doc. So life was good, right? We should have been excited,  joyful, grateful. But life doesn't always work that way. 

Levi and I are good fighters (that's not always a great thing when we are fighting each other). We were meant to have these babies to fight for. God had made us with spirits that face challenges head on. He made us to fight for each other, our children, and for others. But we live in a broken world. We live in a world where depression is a very real thing. We finally had a moment to breath and the weight of everything we had carried crushed us. 

Levi went through it first. To watch my husband change right before my eyes was a scary thing. To see how much pain he was in. He had reached a point of despair I had never seen before. I have the education and knowledge about depression and anxiety. I know the signs. I know what is helpful and what is not but I struggled doing these things for my own husband. I struggled with thoughts of "just pull yourself together. It's fine." I was terrified. I was also trying to raise two kids. I felt alone. This stage didn't feel finite. It felt like eternity. Never ending. I don't want to go too much into Levi's journey because that is his story to tell. But we had family and friends who care so much about him. People who came to us and wanted to know if everything is okay. If they could help. That was hard. It was hard to hear truth in people's words. That we needed to seek help. Help outside of a home cooked meal brought over by someone who cared. As hard as it was for Levi he went out and sought help. He faced so many demons and false beliefs. I am proud of him. Of having the courage to face those things. Even when he was scared he sought the courage that comes from the Father. 

It stretched me. I had to face my vows. Was I really in it through sickness and health? Could I set aside my needs for a season a tend to my husband? Could I lean into faith and learn to love a man who had changed? Could I be a wife that I would want Addison to be someday? I was no where near perfect. I said things and did things that I am not proud of. I did learn to love when it wasn't easy. When honestly I didn't feel loved. Not that Levi ever stopped loving me. He just could not show it during this time. 

And then it finally hit me...Thanks covid. haha. But really staying at home and having time to reflect and heal from things brought out other things that I struggle with. When things in my life feel out of control I turn to things that I can control and one of those things is food. Not over eating for me. I am not ready to go into all those detail but maybe someday I will have the courage to share all parts of that journey. It was something that I had thought I had conquered years ago. Turns out I just hid it with other things. Realizing I still struggle in this area led me to face other things in my life. I thought loving someone who was struggling with depression and anxiety was hard...being loved while struggling with depression is even harder for me. I feel so undeserving. Unlovable. It's a good thing God doesn't see me that way. It is also wonderful to have a husband who sees me through God's eyes. A husband who is full of forgiveness and love and care. 

We also did some couples counseling. What a hoot that was....HA! I hate to break it to you but facing what hurt you have caused someone is not a walk in the park. It's more like tough mudder where you have to dive under water and try to avoid being shock but you are 1,000,000% likely to get shock. There is a reason I have not done tough mudder. I know I couldn't make it through that part. I am happy to report that I made it through marriage counseling. Happier to say we still love each other. Even happier to say that we are closer than we have other been. 

This has been a year of growth and healing. Like I learned through our garden this year (and from Dwight Shrute) manure stinks but it has nutrients in it to help things grow. But apparently it has to be a special kind of manure. That we can't just reuse the dog poop... ;) Levi and I have learned new ways of communicating, of listening, of parenting, and showing love. I want to continue to learn and grow. To face the hard things. To face our fears, failures, success, and ourselves with open arms. 

I love you Levi. Thank you to everyone who has invested in us. It is through you and our relationships with Christ that has brought us through 11 years of marriage. 

Because this is the most recent picture of the two of us together. Times have changed.